• EMPWR Contributor

A Bad Night

Updated: Jul 1, 2020

By Anonymous

We would like to take a moment to forewarn you the reader that the following piece depicts rape and sexual assault. Please read on with caution.

If you're affected by any of the issues raised please contact: Rape Crisis Help on 1800 778888 in the Republic of Ireland.

Wake up in the morning, It’s quarter to nine, Your contact lenses are stuck to your eyes. You remember you fought with your girlfriend last night, That’s what most people would call “a bad night”. You get up, apologise, everything is fine, Now wait ‘til you hear what they called my “bad night”.

Everything’s hazy, Words wouldn’t come out, Why didn’t you scream? Why didn’t you shout? I only had a few drinks That’s enough to put out

Blackness. Nothing. Everything’s dark. How life felt afterwards, my broken heart Sure she doesn’t remember, it’s no big deal No afterthought of how I might feel.

A flash of light. Eyes wide. There’s hands on my hips, Oh God they’re not mine. They’re his. I swear I never wanted this. I start to scream, no one hears me shout,

I wonder, will anyone hear me out? Sure she’s underage, she shouldn’t even be out.

The cold sea air, I’m stranded by the pier, Why am I here? How did I get here? I hold my dress down, Try walking away, He follows me, Pleads with me to stay. Come to my friend’s house, it’s just along the way I get into a taxi, feel a little more safe, There’s black mascara all over my face. He’s followed me and he won’t go away.

I ask the driver to stop at my house, Think it’s over now because he can’t get out. I’ve escaped for now but it’s only the start.

The sun starts to rise, it’s morning time, Woken up by the sound of my phone chime, Seven unread messages, my chest is tight Where did you go? What happened last night? I lie and tell everyone that I’m fine, Why would you lie? Lies, lies, lies! My body no longer feels like it’s mine.

Pull myself from my bed and I lie on the floor, My whole world spins when I walk out the door,

This isn’t normal. I’ve never felt like this before. I’d say she lied about her drinks, she definitely had more.

My back against the ground, The sun hits my skin, I feel I’m to blame for the situation I’m in. It’s my fault, I’m embarrassed, So I stupidly text him. I don’t know what happened, I don’t want to ask, My heart has never beat so fast. “Please don’t tell anyone about last night.” He just laughs, Thinks it’s funny, Ignores my plight.

To one friend I trust and confide, Do you think that you could have been spiked? I think that could have happened alright. It’s not a hangover I feel today, “There was something put in my drink”, I say “That was me” he responds, Leaves a laughing face.

Anger boils through my veins, I’m painfully mad. This isn’t a case of lads being lads, I called him out,

Do you know what he said? “Shut the fuck up, you’re just tapped in the head.”

I block him Erase. Delete. Dead. Please please please just get out of my head Why would you delete the messages? I imagine they said, The dirty little slut just regrets what she did.

I had to do something So I blocked it out And channelled my emotions into something else Just wanted my body to be mine again She can’t cry rape, she had sex a few weeks after then.

The worst part of all of this is the way, I found out what he did to me that day. He told someone, Who told someone, Who told someone, Who told me. He put a pill in my drink and “had sex” with me.

Nobody said a thing As it was passed along the line, Spiking drinks is just lad culture, Shut up, its fine.

No, what happened to me wasn’t alright,

I was raped on the floor of the pier that night.

I blocked it out, The same as before, Sure there was no evidence left to report, All I knew was that I’d be called a whore.

In a country that tells girls to keep their mouths shut, It took four years for me to pluck the courage up, To say I was raped, To use that word, That so many have used and so many have heard.

But sure lads will be lads, Girls always afraid. It wasn’t “a bad night”

I was raped.

© 2020 by EMPWR

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